Our Beliefs, Our Behavior

By Tracy Liebmann

Belief is usually defined as a conviction of the truth of a proposition without its verification; therefore a belief is a subjective mental interpretation derived from perceptions, contemplation or communication. What we believe is basically who we are. It drives just about everything we do, but what are these beliefs and where did they come from? I have been thinking about this for awhile now and it is a fascinating subject. I know without a doubt my beliefs about family and being a parent have been challenged in the last 10 years. I will share some of the most obvious beliefs that people hold and if questioned, can lead to a change in belief which can lead to a change in behavior.

Beliefs worth challenging:

1. Life is hard; you must work hard to get what you want.
2. I must regulate what my child does; including things like TV, video games, food and bedtime.
3. Rewards and Punishments are the only way to produce well behaved children.
4. Children (all ages) are not capable of making reasonable choices.

Same beliefs challenged:

1. Life is abundant; I can have anything my heart desires. Why do we have to make things hard, I believe we have a choice. We can choose the way we look at things, I’m not saying we don’t have to do the foot work in life. We have to do a lot of foot work to get what we want out of life, but we can choose to do the “work” of life joyfully!
2. My children know what they need, they know what to do to honor their needs. I believe children are well equipped to know when they are hungry or tired and they know what their bodies need. The only reason that is not true is because of something I or society has done to mess with their inner knowing. Same holds true for things with “screens.” My children have learned a lot from the technologies that are available to them, life is totally different than it was 20 years ago. Time to reevaluate our beliefs.
3. Connecting with and respecting my children will give them the best start in life, they will behave the way I behave. Treat children with respect, they will respect others. Connect with each other they will connect well with others. Punish them, they will punish others. Rewards are manipulative, manipulate children they will manipulate others.
4. All children (regardless of age) are capable to make reasonable choices, when they are given enough accurate information. Choices for a toddler should not be limited to what color cup they want to drink from. Children want to learn and understand the world they live in, we need to give them accurate information and show them the ropes. Safety is always of the utmost importance, we should always keep our children safe while explaining what the dangers are and letting them explore their world. If we are overly protected and controlled we can not learn how to make good informed decisions later in life.

To challenge our beliefs is not to say they are erroneous or invalid, yet asking questions about our beliefs opens the door to ask why we believe what we do. After you look at your belief system, where it came from and if it still serves you, you can move forward knowing you were brave enough to look. We are belief makers!

Tracy Liebmann is an experienced educator, Certified Family Life Coach, and Author. She believes deeply that great communication is the key to better connection with your loved ones. She mothers her two teenaged children from the heart, knowing that is where the truth lies when it comes to parenting. Her coaching clients describe her using words like; compassionate, caring, understanding, patient, insightful and intuitive. She lives in Charleston, SC with her husband of 19 years, her 2 children and many interesting pets. She enjoys being with her family, cooking, anything outdoors and being with her horses! You can learn more about her and her coaching practice at www.transformingfamily.com or you can get parenting advice with heart at www.asktracy.wordpress.com Tracy is a regular contributor to this blog, so stay tuned for more great parenting articles from her!

Inner Wisdom

By Tracy Liebmann

Connecting with our inner wisdom and giving our children a chance to never lose theirs can be a challenge in our modern world. Our culture actually encourages us to dissociate from our body, our instincts, and our senses. Children are taught to narrow their attention, to cling to the past, and focus on the future, losing their ability to fully function in the present. They become dependent on authority figures who themselves only excel in highly specialized environments and situations.

We might ask, how did this happen, why did this happen? I believe that it lies in generation after generation of conditioning us to fit in; to fit into our family, school, work…society. I really don’t want to go off on some kind of rant about the “machine” yet it’s hard to discuss this subject without pointing out the fact that over the last couple 100’s of years we have really lost our autonomy, while having to fit into the already mentioned system. What I do want to talk about is how we, right here, right now, can help make a difference for ourselves and our children.

If you’re here today, reading this, you have refused to submit completely to the soul demoralizing repression that most of us have experienced growing up in modern society.

Yet still we have behavioral quirks and self destructive outbursts that challenge us in our relationships with others. It has been said that true spiritual growth always comes from being in relations with others. Parents are all too aware of this fact, our children our wonderful mirrors for our spiritual and mental health. Looking deeply into our children’s eyes we can see a dark reflective pond of knowledge, the difficulty comes from not being able to see, or even more challenging not even being able to LOOK. Some people look but can only see a little through the haze of conditioning, that told us children were emotionally and intellectual lower life forms in comparison to us, the taller, older and wiser adults.

So, what should we do? I suggest opening up to the possibilities of real change, envision what you want from this change and dive into the pond behind your child’s eye, it can transform you!

I always like to give concrete examples of what I am trying to convey, because often this type of parenting discussion can be perceived as pie in the sky, not realistic thinking. My experience has shown that living with and looking at your children as partners in this life’s journey can be very real, very connecting and very life changing! So let’s dive in, let’s look at some common behavioral quirks and self destructive outburst that challenge parents. Common challenges that come from our conditioning include; What kids should wear, what they should eat, who their friends should be, what sports they should play, college or no college…it’s all conditioning. In our society how you look is who you are, so when your child comes down the stairs in the same ripped jeans or dirty t-shirt that you hate, you have a destructive outburst…why? When you stop yourself and look into the pond you will see the reflection of you, you might think the way your child is perceived in the world is a direct reflection of what kind of mother you are…it’s all conditioning. My mom used to say “you’re going to wear that?”, all it did was make me feel bad about myself and disconnect me from her. I challenge you next time you want to say something about a wardrobe, food or friend choice your child has made, bite your tongue and reflect on where this is coming from. Take a minute to think about all the second guessing and judgment you do in regards to your children’s choices. If we are always questioning their choices, they are going to always question their choices, they will not trust themselves. This is the insidious destructive pattern of conditioning, the conditioning so that we will all fit neatly into society. The cost is a disconnect from ourselves, our children and the collective whole.

Looking into the pond will simply reflect what is, providing you with an oasis of clarity and peace in which to expand your awareness. With no attachment to the outcome, you will open to the possibilities that will transform you and your family.

Tracy Liebmann is an experienced educator, Certified Family Life Coach, and Author. She believes deeply that great communication is the key to better connection with your loved ones. She mothers her two teenaged children from the heart, knowing that is where the truth lies when it comes to parenting. Her coaching clients describe her using words like; compassionate, caring, understanding, patient, insightful and intuitive. She lives in Charleston, SC with her husband of 19 years, her 2 children and many interesting pets. She enjoys being with her family, cooking, anything outdoors and being with her horses! You can learn more about her and her coaching practice at www.transformingfamily.com or you can get parenting advice with heart at www.asktracy.wordpress.com Tracy is a regular contributor to this blog, so stay tuned for more great parenting articles from her!

Compassionate Communication

By Tracy Liebmann

First I’d like to bring our awareness to the dangers of looking at children with a different quality of respect than we would an adult. The ideal states that all people are equal, it does not matter if you are 1 or 100, but is that what we really believe? Let’s say your neighbor comes over to your home and accidentally spills red wine on the carpet. Do you raise your voice and tell them to clean it up or do you say; its ok I’ll get it, I was going to get the rugs cleaned this week anyway. That is what I’m talking about. We say we love our kids unconditionally, we love them more than anything, yet if they spill grape juice on the floor…well you get the picture. Compassionate communication with our children is just that, respectful and compassionate. The same respect and compassion we would give our neighbor or spouse. Accidents happen, especially when you’re 3! Now that we’ve broken the ice and you’re seeing where I’m going with this, let’s get into the nuts and bolts of how to communicate compassionately with your children.

1. Look at your children as people; don’t dehumanize them because of their age.
2. Do not expect a child to behave a certain way, it threatens their autonomy.
3. Autonomy is a healthy human need; if it is threatened there will be resistance.
4. Needs are very important, what need is the child trying to get met?
5. How can you help the child get their need met?
6. Create the quality of connection necessary for everyone’s needs to get met.
7. Do not demand things from your children, request them.
8. Demands will always meet resistance, they also make our respect and love conditional.

Number six is very important, let’s go further into understanding the importance of connection with our children. Creating the quality of connection where everyone’s needs can be met requires a shift. A shift away from the way we have been culturally trained; away from using coercion to get what we want or to resolve differences with our children. We want to shift away from evaluating children in a moralistic way; such as good or bad, right and wrong, into a compassionate way based on needs and desires. It might look something like this, “I feel scared when you hit or scream at your brother, because I need everyone to feel safe in our home,” instead of, “It’s wrong/bad to hit or scream at your brother.” This shift away from blame and or shame can be challenging for those of us who have been conditioned to accept that kind of language. It requires us to be present with our children, to validate and empathize when they are communicating with us.

Moving away from the habits of communication we have been taught by our culture will be challenging. I support you in continuing your journey toward the ideal of compassionate communication and strongly suggest surrounding yourself with a supportive community.

Tracy Liebmann is an experienced educator, Certified Family Life Coach, and Author. She believes deeply that great communication is the key to better connection with your loved ones. She mothers her two teenaged children from the heart, knowing that is where the truth lies when it comes to parenting. Her coaching clients describe her using words like; compassionate, caring, understanding, patient, insightful and intuitive. She lives in Charleston, SC with her husband of 19 years, her 2 children and many interesting pets. She enjoys being with her family, cooking, anything outdoors and being with her horses! You can learn more about her and her coaching practice at www.transformingfamily.com or you can get parenting advice with heart at www.asktracy.wordpress.com Tracy is a regular contributor to this blog, so stay tuned for more great parenting articles from her!